Dr. Oz responds…


Major Mike Mansplainer, Super-Skeptic Here.

Today, Dr. Mehmet Oz (aka “America’s Quack”) responded to colleagues at Columbia who called for his dismissal, saying:

“No matter our disagreements, freedom of speech is the most fundamental right we have as Americans. And these 10 doctors are trying to silence that right.”

Freeze Peach!
Dr Oz, Logician.


The Free Speech defense? What’s happening here? Must…resist…



Suddenly I have a hankering for green coffee extract. Sigh.

I’m an Atheist… and You Suck!

Here’s my idea for the next atheist billboard:
I'm an atheist...and you suck!

“I’m an atheist…and you suck!“*

No better way to show the true punk rock spirit of the atheist movement. After all, if you aren’t an atheist you know deep down inside we’re cooler than you. We know more and we think better. That’s a true, logical fact.
Does that make us jerks? Maybe so. But that’s why this billboard idea is so genius. We need to circle the wagons against irrationality. Create a circle of “jerks,” if you will.
Whenever I make this suggestion, people laugh or look at me like I have three heads. But those people suck.
Join the circle jerk!
Thanks for letting me finish,
Major Mike
*Apologies to The Meatmen and Matt Groening.

Introducing DURP: the Dawkins Unit of Relative Perniciousness

Someone is ANGRY on the Internet! (apologies to xkcd)


Richard Dawkins is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore.


What's made him so mad? Petty American Feminists who get angry over nothing.


In a recent interview, he found time to remind us that he is a True Feminist:

"I concentrate my attention on that menace [of Islamism and Jihadism's threat to women] and I confess I occasionally get a little impatient with American women who complain of being inappropriately touched by the water cooler or invited for coffee or something which I think is, by comparison, relatively trivial."


You and me both, Richard. I know I lose a lot of sleep over people who get upset about trivialities.

"I feel muzzled, and a lot of other people do as well. There is a climate of bullying, a climate of intransigent thought police which is highly influential in the sense that it suppresses people like me."


Indeed. These days, it's hard to find reference to Dawkins anywhere. He would never, say, block atheists he disagreed with from speaking at the Reason Rally for example. That'd be muzzling.


Dawkins' frustration isn't new to most of us True Feminists. After all, we've been annoyed for decades about how feminist anger has no sense of proportion. But True Feminists know when to be angry and when not to be hysterical. We know that as long as our sisters are being murdered and threatened overseas we can't focus on trivialities about who groped whom at the water cooler, who stalked whom in an elevator, street harassment, why women don't make as much as men, fewer women in STEM fields, rape, spousal abuse, the list goes on and on.


Can't they see how hard we True Feminists are fighting the scourge of sexism overseas? Those Islamist men are so sexist they don't even know how sexist they are!


Sing with me… "And we won't come home 'til it's over over therrre…"


So while we TFs fight sexism on the beaches, fields, and streets overseas, I'm going to propose something that will help other feminists understand how to scale their anger.


In honor of our beleaguered hero, I'm going to propose the Dawkins Unit of Relative Perniciousness (DURP).   


I still haven't worked out the details quite yet. (I was too busy this morning fighting for the right of Saudi women to drive.) But things that are low on the DURP scale are less worthy of our time and mental energy. Harassment, glass ceilings, etc. These are things that don't bother me too much. Other things are much higher on the DURP scale are worthy of anger. War, pestilence, famine, prayer in public schools, feminist anger…


So, my fellow True Feminists, let's work some more on this DURP scale. What is the measured equivalent of one DURP? Post your suggestions in the comments!


Meanwhile, I gotta run to a rally protesting the use of "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. I really can't tell you how important that issue is to me.


Thanks for letting me finish,



Major Mike responds to the “Conflict in the Secular Movement” Survey

Worst Survey Ever

Worst Survey Ever. Why so many choices?

There, that's Better

There. That's better.

I’m a big fan of the “Conflict in the Secular Movement Survey” that’s been going around.

It’s about time that somebody found a forum for us to express how we feel about conflict within the secular community. At long last we can find out the question that’s on everybody’s minds: are feminists causing all this trouble, or is there no trouble at all?

As is fitting for such an important topic, the survey has been meticulously designed by research professionals. Nice they could scare up enough scientists in the atheist community. That must have been tough. Way to go, boys — and gals!

I wanted to share my answers with y’all. If you haven’t taken it yet — no cheating!

1. If you had to choose one, what is the cause of conflict in the secular movement?

A) Divisive figures who purposefully cause conflict

B) Differences in ideologies

C) Miscommunication

My only complaint rests with the first question. Why do I have to choose just one? Look at Rebecca Watson. She's an A) divisive figure who caused conflict about her B) differing feminism ideology by C) miscommunicating her statement, "Guys, don't do that."

That's how #Elevatorgamergate started.

2. Do you believe feminists in the secular movement create conflict because of their emphasis on feminism?

A) Yes

B) No

What? No “of course” button?

Ok, I’m being nitpicky. Better to make people take a stand: are feminists causing the problem or not? Answer — Take it, Steve Carell: 

3. Do you believe that the secular movement is welcoming to all people?

A) Yes

B) No

YES. I have always felt welcome in the secular movement.

Again, I’m glad they didn’t waste time with any of the usual questionnaire pseudoscience, making people waste their time to provide more “nuanced” (or wishy-washy) responses like:

Very Welcoming 

Somewhat Welcoming

Neither Welcoming or Not Welcoming

Somewhat Not Welcoming 

Not at all Welcoming

I mean really, is it welcoming or not? Make up your mind!

4. Do you believe the secular movement needs to be diversified?

A) Yes

B) No

NO. I’d really hate for Christians to be welcomed in our movement. Can’t we all just be atheists?

Again, thanks guys (and gals) for making us stick to yes-or-no choices.

5. If you do not think diversity is a problem, do you believe the secular community is working hard to outreach minorities?

A) Yes, the secular community is working hard in minority outreach

B) No, the secular community needs to work harder to outreach minorities

C) I do not think diversity is a problem in the secular movement

I've often said I don't think diversity is a problem, so (C). Logic for the win!

Although they should have made it the first option, rescuing me from having to read the other two choices.

6. Do you believe that most conflict orginates in the internet?

A) Yes

B) No

YES. Little known fact: the Israel / Palestine conflict originated on the Internet.

7. Do you believe conflict can be reduced if there was less use of social media?

A) Yes

B) No

Simple: YES. First thing the secular movement needs to do is to find out a way to keep people from using social media. This will fix everything.

8. Do you believe there should be more emphasis on social justice issues?

A) Yes

B) There is enough emphasis on social justice issues

C) The secular movement should not involve itself with social justice issues

C, of course!

We need to focus on issues like prayer in public school, the right for kids to avoid saying the Pledge of Allegiance, and the rights of atheists in the workplace.

None of these have anything to do with social justice.

9. In your opinion, is there unnecessary name calling during arguments online?

A) Yes

B) No

Anybody who thinks there isn’t unnecessary name calling online is a fucking goober nimrod.

10. In your opinion, do you believe that the responses over an argument are generally appropriate or antagonistic?

A) Antagonistic

B) Appropriate

Both! I think I can be appropriately antagonistic.


This survey managed to capture all of the nuances of the current debate — and in only 10 questions!

I’m sure the responses will give us some answers about how we can all move forward.

Meet Major Mike Mansplainer


Welcome to my new blog,  "Hold On, Let Me Finish… with Major Mansplainer." I'm a man blogging for Secular Woman. Yes, you read that right!

How did this happen? At the risk of tooting my own horn (not that there's anything wrong with that, amirite?) I've been a steady presence in the atheist movement for years and I know a thing or two about True FeminismTM.  So I figured I'd bring the voice of the Silent ManorityTM.

You know the phrase "not all men" that's been dominating the Internet?  Yep, that was me all the way back in the 90's on the alt.feminism USENET group.  I don't even remember what we were arguing about.  Probably Camille Paglia or rap lyrics.

Other than that, what True Feminist cred do I have?

First off, I was raised by a woman. This gives me plenty of insight into the day to day life of strong women everywhere.  

Then there's extensive research, especially some from great magazine articles on Evolutionary Psychology, I forget where.

And let's not forget the influence of Pop Culture, from those scrappy, resourceful Bond Girls ("Pussy Galore, I must be dreaming") – to the Cathy comic strip ("Aaack!")  – to modern-day Gwen Stefani ("Holla Back!")

Most important of all, I have my own eyes. They've been trained by years of critical and skeptical thinking so that I can see without the poisonous influence of emotion.  This way I can help those less fortunate and help them know the appropriate feelings they should have for any situation.

So, far be it from me to tell women how to be feminists BUT… Let me help you sort things out! ARE YOU WITH ME, SECULAR WOMEN?

In the meantime, in case I ever talk about humor and feminism, I thought I'd post this video by brave feminist Nellie McKay. She really gets why so many feminists can't seem to take a joke. I bet she doesn't get invited to many NOW conventions!

Thanks for letting me finish,

Major Mike